Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster

I was going through my "funny stuff" folder and just had to post this one. It is one of my all-time favorites and I nearly pooped myself reading it again just now.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
> who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
> famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,
> because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original
> person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
> standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
> wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
> (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
> they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
> dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
> to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
> These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
> in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
> part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
> fresh refills; that bitch is starting to look HOT, just like
> this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
> I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
> seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
> damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
> directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the
> other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spice and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> that slut Sally. I'll need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
> about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
> my
> damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
> I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. To hell with it. I'm
> not getting
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in
> my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
> passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
>
> FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Evidence of the Grace of God in my life:

Sunday, Nov. 30: Holding Lizes hand during the Our Father at mass is one of the most precious experiences of my entire life. Her hand is always warm and soft and reminds me I am exactly where I need to be.

Monday, Dec. 1: The Sheboygan river viewed from Hwy 57 as I traveled to work is so very beautiful. The river is surrounded by snow-covered trees on both sides and is so beautiful. It reminds me of the the reason to worship my loving God.

Tuesday, Dec. 2: Three deer racing across a snow-covered field as I drove to work. This happened south of Brillion as I travel up Long Lake Road. The deer stopped just over a hill and they watched me as I drove around a corner. Sights like this remind me of the wonder and generosity of my loving God.

Wednesday, Dec. 3: A friend listened intently as I described my pain at getting dismissed from my teaching career. I was in a busy office but he listened and maintained eye-contact. It was obvious he was showing respect for me by focussing his attention. It reminded me of the many times I am rude to others by being easily distracted while they are speaking to me. The Grace of God is the many wonderful friends I have here at St. Norbert.