Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster

I was going through my "funny stuff" folder and just had to post this one. It is one of my all-time favorites and I nearly pooped myself reading it again just now.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
> who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
> "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
> famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,
> because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original
> person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
> standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer
> wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
> (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
> they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
> Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
> dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers
> to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
> These Texans are crazy.
>
> Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
> wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie
> in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.
>
> Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
> Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
> part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.
>
> Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
> or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
> to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with
> fresh refills; that bitch is starting to look HOT, just like
> this nuclear-waste I'm eating.
>
> Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.
> Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
> I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
> seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
> damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
> directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the
> other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
>
> Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
> spice and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
> garlic. Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
> that slut Sally. I'll need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
>
> Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried
> about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
> cursing uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
> feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds
> like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match
> my
> damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me.
> I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. To hell with it. I'm
> not getting
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
> hole in
> my stomach.
>
> Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
> not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3
> passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if
> he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
>
> FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

Evidence of the Grace of God in my life:

Sunday, Nov. 30: Holding Lizes hand during the Our Father at mass is one of the most precious experiences of my entire life. Her hand is always warm and soft and reminds me I am exactly where I need to be.

Monday, Dec. 1: The Sheboygan river viewed from Hwy 57 as I traveled to work is so very beautiful. The river is surrounded by snow-covered trees on both sides and is so beautiful. It reminds me of the the reason to worship my loving God.

Tuesday, Dec. 2: Three deer racing across a snow-covered field as I drove to work. This happened south of Brillion as I travel up Long Lake Road. The deer stopped just over a hill and they watched me as I drove around a corner. Sights like this remind me of the wonder and generosity of my loving God.

Wednesday, Dec. 3: A friend listened intently as I described my pain at getting dismissed from my teaching career. I was in a busy office but he listened and maintained eye-contact. It was obvious he was showing respect for me by focussing his attention. It reminded me of the many times I am rude to others by being easily distracted while they are speaking to me. The Grace of God is the many wonderful friends I have here at St. Norbert.

George's 2008 Christmas list edition

It's really come to this: I have too much! When I can't think of any cool electronic device that I don't already have, it's a sad state of affairs! I'll list things in this post as I can think of them and then I'll summarize it in a list at the end.

There are still some Frank Zappa albums that I don't have. They are available at Zappa.com in the Barko-Swill section. The following are ones I don't have:

Zappa in New York

Frank Zappa the Man from Utopia

Sleep Dirt

Ship Arriving too late to save a drowning witch

Studio Tan

Ahead of their time

Baby Snakes

Make a Jazz Noise Here

Playground Psychotics

And in the Ryko Releases section:

Absolutely Free

Chunga's Revenge

Bongo Fury

And:

You can't do that on stage anymore (any volume.....there are many) I'm not even sure where you can get these.

Another item of interest to me is stuff that has to do with Taylor Guitars.

Start your search at http://taylorguitars.com

I'd like:

Taylor Mechanics shirt size XL? color: either charcoal or black, I don't care.

Taylor Suede guitar strap. Color: surprise me.

Taylor Denim jacket.

Baby Taylor Mahogany guitar (3/4 size travel guitar) Can probably find cheapest at Musicians Friend online. http://musiciansfriend.com ($299)

Ok. That's about it with the specialized stuff. Stroll through the stores. There oughta be something cool you can find for me. Heh.....

I would like clothes:

Shirt size: 17-32 Short

Polo shirt: L/G (whatever that means) Large?

Pants: 40-30 (40-29 works too)

I like Trucker hats and other hats.....surprise me.

I could always use another belt. Size 40.

Oh, and I need some nice gloves for winter. Leather would be nice but WARM is the keynote.

Pajamas would be nice. Warm ones, of course....I don't need 'em for summer.

And, of course, if you can find any cool electronic devices that I don't already have (not an iPod, laptop, GPS unit, smart phone, etc....I have all those)........................

So, I promised to include a handy cut-and-paste summary for you....:

Zappa CDs

Taylor guitar and accessories

Shirts size 17-32 for dress and L/G for polo

Pants size 40-30 but 40-29 is better.

Warm gloves

Casual belt(s) Size 40

Trucker hats (mesh in back rather than solid)

Red Ryder BB-gun with the thing in the stock that tells time (just kidding)

Happy Shopping. Hope I get you what you like.

Ciao, babies!

Just a late note to remind you that Frank Zappa CDs are available on Amazon.com

Untitled

Yesterday - A monumental day!

Here is what I ACCOMPLISHED:

1.  Called and got an appointment to get my eyes examined.  Liz told me I could not get a new computer desk with a lower deck until I had my eyes checked.  I got a sore neck the night we had our Fantasy Football Draft and decided "enough is enough".

2.  Called and made an appointment to have WE energies come and cut down some trees near the power lines.  We have decided to remove the old Norway maple that has been dying for years and the nasty Box Elder tree on the south side of the driveway.  We figured they'd get in the way of construction of our new garage.

3.  Used a web form to arrange for Sears to come and fix the ice maker on our fridge which hasn't worked for years(?).

4.  Called the HVAC folks to come and check our furnace/air conditioner.  The message pops up on the display.  Need to do this regularly as we have historically only called them when the furnace fails in the winter.

5.  Called two tree removal businesses to have the cedar on the NE corner and maybe the spruce on the north side removed.  One guy did come and gave me an estimate of 2260 bucks for removing those two and the two that he says the power company will trim but not remove.

6.  Called the landscaping guy whom our general contractor asked us to call about getting an estimate for demolishing the garage and doing something about water flow toward the house from the west.

7.  Called two businesses to give us quotes for installing gutter covers and possibly new gutters and downspouts to further address the drainage issues around the house.

8.  Washed my Prius.

9.  Mowed the lawn.

This is the kind of thing I wanted to happen when I went to 10 hour days.  Of course, taking Smokey to the vet Thursday was something that could not have been done except on a weekend had I not had the time off.

The calls keep coming in on the Jetta and I spoke for quite a while with a guy who owns a 2006 TDI and wants another.  So far, virtually all the responses and calls have come from people who saw the car parked next to the street.  Craig's list has generated only two attempted scams and one post that called me every name in the book for my asking price compared to the price of a new 2009 TDI.

I checked value on Kelley Blue Book and Edmunds.  Edmunds says the value of my vehicle is significantly higher than Kelley.  I based my asking price on Kelley before I'd ever checked Edmumds.  That makes me more likely to sit tight until I get pretty close to my asking price.  This is, after all, a special vehicle.  When somebody comes along who appreciates that, they'll recognize that my price is fair and we'll have a sale.

Gee, with this free time,  I even felt more like blogging!  That's it for now.

Ciao, babies!

Blogged with the Flock Browser

RIP Smokey

Smokey - 01/01/1988 to 08/28/2008 Smokey has been deteriorating for some time now. She was just skin and bones. We fed her canned catfood every morning but lately she just licks at it. This morning she did not get up at all. Every other morning she has come out to greet me when I get up. This morning she did not get up. We had to go to a funeral and we had not seen her by 9 a.m. We found her laying way in the back of the dog cage we have in the utility room. Liz did not think she was breathing. We didn't check further before the funeral. When we got back from the funeral, I discovered that she was still alive. We had discussed possibly taking her to the vet to be put to sleep when we talked last weekend and we knew we would not have time until today. I felt it was the right thing to do and Liz agreed. At the vet they told me that animals lose the ability to eat when they are near death. By putting her to sleep, we were preventing her from staving to death. Small consolation. This was a very very difficult experience for me. You were a good kitty Smokey, and we will miss you. Rest in Peace.

New Prius Arrives!

Last Wednesday, Liz and I took delivery on my new 2008 Toyota Prius. It is a geeks dream! I'm still on the first tank of gas but it is getting between 52 and 53 miles per gallon. That's as good or better than the Jetta on fuel that's 40-70 cents a gallon cheaper. But enough words! How about the pix?





It has this cool display that tells you whether the power is coming from the gasoline engine or the electric motor. It tells whether the battery is being charged or discharging. It tells what your mpg is right now and the average on this tank of fuel.
It's easier than the Jetta to get in and out of . My knees love that! It's roomier inside although Liz and I have already bumped ELBOWS trying to release our seatbelts at the same time. Some things never change.

The Jetta is all cleaned up. I spent all day yesterday cleaning glass, vacuuming the inside and washing it. It is now parked out front with For Sale signs all over. I am asking $9100. It has 227,000 one owner miles and is in great shape.
It is really going to kill me to let the Jetta go. It has been my favorite car ever. I especially love the color, of course. But it rides like a dream, runs quietly and everything works as good as the day I bought it. Since it is a rare high-mileage car, I think I can get pretty close to my asking price. There has been one call already today. I was out playing golf.

Speaking of golf.....I may not play a whole lot anymore but I had to get out for 9 holes today. I shot 41 on the back nine at Riverdale and was very pleased with that. My last round before that was a 51 in the last night of our SNC league about ten days ago. I was 5 over par today and three of those shots were to get out of the rough after wild tee shots. I hooked it into the long grass on the first par five and sliced it into the soup on the second one.

Even though I haven't blogged in a long time, I thought you would enjoy seeing pictures of my new car. Plus, I kinda want to keep the blog up as a historical reference.

Time to do something else.

Ciao, babies!

In which I shoot 36 on the Front Nine at Hilly Haven

Golf highlight from June 19th 2008 I posted the following email to our SNC golf list. I haven't shot 36 in longer than I can remember....maybe never. My round started with a pulled hook that bounced off a pine tree. I didn't have a direct line to the green so I hit a half three wood diagonally across the fairway. I was well up the hill and had a good look at the green. Didn't have my skycaddie because I forgot to switch back to the set of courses that include Hilly. Think I hit a nine iron and it was on or near the green. I chipped up and made the putt for an opening bogey. Not impressive but not disasterous. On hole #2, I decided to hit three wood because driver can be hit through the fairway. I hit it perfectly. It was down the middle and right at the bend. A nine iron got me on the green about 10 feet past the cup and I made the putt for a birdie 3. I hit a long draw on number 3. I was so focused on trying to figure out if I was further from the green than the marker that I saw sticking in the fairway. (It turned out that neither Tripp nor Bob had put their name on it so I was worried about nothing. As it was, my sand wedge was hit a little fat and it came up short of the green anyway. I chipped up but my lob shot was short and I two-putted for a bogey. Sloppy but not disasterous! The tee was waaaaay back on the fourth hole. I paced it as 197 yards to the middle of the green. My 197 club is my 7 wood. I had it re-gripped this season but I still almost always hook it. This time was no different. I swung easy and my ball landed on or in front of the green and then disappeared over the back edge. I figured it was probably in the pond. John pushed his tee shot way right and after peeking but not walking in the wheat, I gave up and went to look after my own shot. Thankfully, it was NOT in the pond. It stopped about a yard short. The pin was toward the back of the green and there was a big hump I had to pitch over with downhill terrain between the edge of the green and the pin. I used my 60 degree lob wedge and popped the ball up on that hump. As I scrambled up the hill to view my ball, I was just able to see it travel the last two feet INTO THE CUP!!! That was the holler you heard while we were on number four. BIRDIE TWO! And I'm even par again. After my inquiry of John, I found that the event on number 5 was not long drive so I promptly hit a good one. I'm not going to outdrive Tripp on a bad day for Tripp so I have no more illusions there. My drive was long and to the left and I was disappointed to find it still down in the gully and not even on the upslope. I hit a terrible three-wood next. I left a two inch divot before the ball and pushed it way to the right. But pleasant fate was my mistress again and the ball bounced off a pine tree toward the fairway. The event was closest in four so I wanted to be on the green on my next shot. For reasons I can't remember, my next shot came up short of the green. I hit a great chip shot with my pitching wedge but it was outside the marker for "closest in four". I did make the putt though for a five and I'm still even par. Tripp and Bob were standing in the middle of the fairway on number 6 and I figured I was never going to out-drive Tripp (It was the long drive hole) so I blasted away. It was my best drive of the day. Tripp later commented that he barely noticed my ball rolling back about 20-30 yards but I nailed it and it was in perfect position even with the sand trap in the middle of the fairway. My gap wedge was pulled a bit and my birdie putt came up short and to the left so I made a 3 footer for a par. Even par after 6. The seventh hole is a BEAR to par. That goes without saying. I hit a very good drive but it was more to the left than I wanted. I either had to draw the ball or carry several cedar trees to even aim at the green. My seven wood from about 200 yards went straight over the trees and landed 20 yards short of the green. Again, I made a poor approach shot and left myself a 15 foot putt. My line was perfect but I left it about two feet short. I settled for a bogey. Now I'm one over with two easy holes left to play. The groundskeeper was once again not our friend as the tee was as far back on number 8 as I have ever seen it. I normally hit 8 iron on that hole but at 150 yards, I chose a 6. I hit it a little out on the toe and it ened up hole high but off the green on the right. Another sweet lob shot and I was 4 feet from the cup. I sunk the putt once again with the Scott Cameron Futura that I again started using yesterday and I was one over going into nine. Again the tee was back on the ninth tee but that was no concern to me. I decided to hit four iron off the tee to try and keep the ball anywhere in the fairway. I was fairly confident I could hit the green with a short iron so just being in play was my main goal. I hit a marvelous four iron. It was high enough to clear the trees on the right and ended up about 75 yards from the middle of the green. I paced it from the 100 marker. I hit full lob wedge and it was a beauty. It landed and settle about 10 feet above the pin. The putt was downhill and broke about 8 inches left. I hit it right on the correct line and left it 1 foot short. I made the one foot putt for a round of 36, my best nine hole score in memory and probably my lowest round played in the SNC league ever. I thought maybe it deserved a blow by blow description here because there were so few blows. And to think I wouldn't have even been on time had I not run into John Frohliger in the Cofrin IT office at 2 p.m. I was not even going to leave until 3 p.m. thinking our tee times at Hilly were ALL at 3:45 p.m. for the rest of our weeks there. Ah, but God had much better things in store for me yesterday. Thanks Lord!! I hope you enjoyed my wonderful round even a little. Now I'd better get some work done. -- George

My Delight!

This picture was taken over Easter weekend. Liz and I ate lunch last Wednesday at Bubba Gump's Shrimp Co. in Charleston. When I saw the shirt, I just had to have one for me and my cherubic grandson, Conner.

Ciao babies!

Post #2 from Charleston

The tour of Ft Sumter was pretty interesting. Fortunately, we sat downstairs inside the boat and not up on the top where it's open. Lots of people who thought it would be nice to be out in the open air quickly decided that seats inside were much more appealing. It was too cold to be out in the wind.
Ft Sumter is now a National Park. There are still unexploded shells from the Civil War that are embedded in the walls. After we got back, I took a nap. Being out in the wind makes a person tired. Liz and I ate supper last night at Vickery's Bar and Grill. We had to wait about 20 minutes to get seated but it was worth it. This is another restaurant on Shem Creek and the view of the creek and surrounding marsh was very "nautical".
Liz and I tried out the whirlpool bathtub last night. No, not at the same time..... It was relaxing.

Today, we drove to downtown Charleston and then walked for the better part of an hour before we realized there were no "breakfast places" on the route we had chosen. We ened up at a little coffee shop that I had failed to tell Liz about when we arrived on the street from the parking ramp. Heh...

Then we did the following:

1. Tried to get on the "Charleston's finest" tour bus as I had reserved a tour on that bus. We were told we had to go inside the Welcome Center to pay.
2. Waited in line until an agent was ready.
3. Found out that they had made our reservation for Monday and not Tuesday. (The phone kept cutting out when I was making the reservation on Sunday night. It was on their end and not mine.)
4. Got on a Grey-line tour bus for the 90 minute historic tour of Charleston. George, our tour guide was very pleasant, entertaining and informative.
5. Caught "Charleston's finest" bus for the afternoon tour of the Magnolia plantation.

The tour of Magnolica Plantation was also very nice. It has beautiful gardens that held many plants that are blooming even now. We also got to see lots of aligators in the wild. They are pretty dormant right now and not feeding. There was one that had to be 13 feet long or so but we didn't see any aligator move at all. The ones we saw were laying on wooden ramps that they have placed in some of the ponds.

Arriving back at the visitor center (I didn't catch what our tourguide Jerry meant when he said we'd be stopping at the Vista center. I thought, "What the hell is the Vista Center?") we drove back to the hotel and had supper in the Reel Bar. This is located in the hotel and has lots of antique fishing equipment used to catch sailfish and such in the ocean.

Now we are watching TBS on our plasma TV. Very funny!

Tomorrow, we are going back across the Ravenel Bridge, the longest steel cable bridge in the world at 3.5 miles, to downtown Charleston to do a little looking around and more touristy stuff.

I'm too lazy to upload any photos....maybe later.

Ciao, babies!!

Spring Break in Charleston SC

I write this as I sit in our 4th floor room overlooking the Charleston harbor at the Charleston Harbor Resort and Marina.  We arrived last night after a two day drive during which we drove through snow in Indiana, rain after that and a 40 minute hangup on I-26 north of Charleston yesterday afternoon while road crews removed debris from the highway after strong storms ripped the area the day before.

We stayed Saturday night at a Days Inn in Renfro Valley, Kentucky.  Charming little place with a 24 hour Denny's and an Arby's right on the property.  Y'all have a nahce day now!

We decided to splurge and pay $25 per night for a harbor side view and then were upgraded to an even better room when ours had a wet floor.  OK, just a little corner of it near the window was wet but that's enough to qualify for AN UPGRADE.  All the world is looking for an upgrade, isn't it?  We went from a cheesy CRT tv to a room that has a plasma in the wall, a fireplace (which I have no idea how to operate) and a whirlpool tub.  WooHOO!

We ate last night at the Shem Creek Bar and Grill in nearby Mt. Pleasant.  I had the Seafood Spectacular which featured scallops, shrimp, mahi-mahi and Devilled Crabcakes.  It was yummie!

Today, we are soon departing for a cruise to see Ft. Sumter.   

Ciao, babies!